Valentine is coming…
My perspective on finding the right partner
PS: Epp me to epp myself. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. It’s free.
I tried to find another name for this newsletter until I arrived at “Another Perspective.” I just wanted to share my mind, my life and my philosophy maybe it might help someone. And also get my writing engine oily. By the way, you cant be called to everyone [like the way you just said ‘This stupid boy is here again’ when this email dropped in your inbox]. But it’s okay.
Happy Valentine in advance!
If I send this letter on the Friday of valentine week, nkan a ti baje gaan [A lot of damage would have been done]. So, it’s better to drop it now so that “He who has ears can hear.”
For those just reading this, I am an eccentric person. I like to assume so. If I tell you stuff about myself, you’ll agree. My perspectives are far from the norm. I am not a fan of the ‘popular’. I may listen to a lot of stuff but I only “drink the juice and spill the seeds.”
For example, I don’t believe marriage is religious stuff [Wait, I have not backslid. I only summersalted]. It is a human endeavour. People of my faith always say that marriage started from the garden of Eden. If that is the case, then marriage is not Christian stuff. It is humanity endeavour. There was no death, burial or resurrection of Jesus in Eden — a core pillar of what the Christian faith rests on. Because of this eccentric fact, marriage is consent between families of the two parties [with God as a witness]. Be rest assured, I am not crazy.
So, whatever your people and those of your intending spouse regard as marriage are what it is. Folks think only marriage ceremonies in the church, shrine or mosque are legit. You’re wrong. Marriage is actually culture-based, not religious-based. I am not condemning religious marriages. I am only saying if flogging your intending spouse 30 strokes of cane is marriage in your culture, you’re married when that cultural right is fulfilled. I am not suggesting this opinion to give you an excuse to cut the cost of your wedding. I am simply just sharing my thoughts.
In addition, the famous ‘White wedding’ is cultural. Queen Victoria of England was the first to do so on February 10, 1840. Na copy copy the rest follow do. Chai. Sorry. And this is not a marriage newsletter o. But one more thing: the implication of the paragraphs above is that religious folks can have a terrible marriage and non-religious folks can have marital bliss.
Therefore, anyone that thinks falling in love with a sister/brother you met in any religious worship centre will make a good romantic partner, your breakfast is at the corner. If you have ears that hear, character before religion.
Back to our love story…
The most important stuff in love is YOU. YOU must know yourself as much as possible so that YOU can know WHO that’ll fit YOU. The simple effort of knowing yourself — aka having an identity — will change your love game. It will change your taste of men/women. You will have a glimpse of your future and no one moving the opposite way will attract you/be attracted to you [that’s if you’re not led by what is ‘under you’].
A size 12 bolt needs a size 12 spanner. If the mechanic doesn’t know, (s)he’ll be confused because every spanner will look useful for him. The data you have gathered from being a student of yourself will inform you of the kind of person that suits you. If you have not gathered enough data about yourself, your decision will be based on any information the world/streets/anyone says.
The selection process in my head.
I have a way of sorting women to fall in love within my head. I love science, logic and not sounding dumb. So I like to make sense of things. Including my faith. God once said, “Come let's reason together.” Reasoning is not anti-God.
The first thing I do is to observe her character. Then her faith. I believe that if a woman is genuinely a person of my faith, we can work smoothly and on the same spiritual energy. I used genuinely because some people may be of your faith but are out the core tenets the faith is built upon.
Let me use my Christian faith as an example. There are still so-called Christians who don't believe in giving, offerings, helping the needy, etc. It’s not my business to probe their faith but we’re surely not of the same ‘spiritual tribe.’ I don't bother with those kinds of women. They’ll slow us down [unless in your own relationship, it’s going to be all about sex, cruise and play always].
When the character and spiritual sides are sorted. I believe the rest is in your hands. God only wants you to pick from among his children. The colour, size, shape and other physical attributes are in your hands. For me, I think I find dark women attractive. Whatever your choice is, choose [with the first two attributes in mind].
I don’t know why many people, especially religious folks, associate good appearance with evil and unkemptness with piety. Some (wo)men think the ugliest (wo)men are the nearest to husband/wife material. They brainwashed you. God is uninterested in the colour of (wo)man you choose to be with or her shape. He has delegated that task to you.
Many have been taught that God can lead you to marry anyone, even someone you’re not [can not be] attracted to. That’s a big fat lie. God is not a sadist or a masochist. “You parents — if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not!” Jesus said. Sensuality and sexuality are one of the dimensions of love.
The balance
This is where I balance it in my head and not abuse my freedom. In choosing clour, size and shape which is my responsibility, I put my future in the picture to avoid fracture. If I remain stubborn with “Black girl or nothing,” I may miss out on a good woman.
Here’s the point where your choice must be in the perspective of your future. The first good lady/guy you meet might not be dark but a perfect match for your life. Just take her/him. Don't be too obsessed with the external that you ignore the internal.
Is her future looking like yours? Can you help build each other? Do you have the same core values? What’s your similarity ratio? You don't want to be with someone your inner wiring is far apart.
It is only when you are clear about these things that you can confidently say you are in a relationship. “Ola, some people are good at pretending o.” Be skilful at recognising them from afar. What you people call breakfast is mostly a case of misplaced identity. You picked someone using the wrong yardstick, when (s)he jilts you, you cry foul. However, some people unconsciously arrive at this point but it’s better to be conscious of it.
However, these are only basics. It doesn’t still guarantee that you will eventually marry the person. But it’s enough to call it a healthy relationship and reduce negative coincidence factors.
I am the odd one
Here’s what makes me quite odd. I always expect the worse in any relationship. Sorry. I only have the energy to fight for my marriage, not for a relationship. Mabinu dear. Don’t be angry. I always calculate that my woman can wake up tomorrow and call it to quit. I always prepare for this but I don’t let it affect my full commitment to her.
I can’t relate with all these ‘sniper-drinking,’ ‘glass-breaking’ and ‘suicide-contemplating issues that stem out of breakups. Don’t dare think a relationship cannot crash even if you are a match made from heaven. You can love her to the moon and back and she leaves you hanging in space.
That’s why you should have found yourself to an extent before finding love. It’s for a time like this; so that your sanity can remain intact and your life can continue after any ‘breakfast’. There is nothing bad in being with someone and discovering you made the wrong choice. Love is like a sword. If you haven’t trained to wield it, you’ll kill yourself with it.
Many people stay in [obviously] toxic relationships because of their low self-esteem. They have attached their importance to that person. They think they are nothing without them. They have invested too much in the relationship to let go. Investor, who send you in the first place?
I don't invest more than I can lose in a relationship. For me, my body is the most expensive thing I can donate in a relationship. All the money, trips, emotions, and other things that can be invested in a relationship doesn't move me. I can afford to lose them. I see those things as gifts from me to the person. But my body? That’s hard for me.
I can ‘breeze out’ of any relationship without regret because I haven't donated my most important asset there. For some people, money is their most important asset. For some people, it’s their emotions. Etc. Don't donate more than you can lose in a relationship. It will help you.
In a relationship of sex four times a week, multiple abortions and slaughter of self-esteem, moving on will be hard. That’s why some people stay. They have already donated too much of their life and essence in a directionless relationship. On top of ordinary, ‘’I love you, I love you too’ o.
Now the day is over…
I told some women some weeks ago that recognising a guy that just wants to get into your paynt is vital. The guy just wanted to have sex with you and move, you were the one that turned it into a relationship. He saw a free gift and continued to use you. When he got tired, he abandoned you. Now, you’re crying men are scum. If we get the right knowledge, nothing is so dicey about these things. Every relationship has its own headache. Just choose the one your head can carry.
A recap
- Find yourself to a good extent.
- Check character and spirituals
- Physical attributes are your task. Some find the right woman in the right container. Some don't.
- Be flexible. Think about your future as you choose the container. Content over the container.
- God is not a masochist. Sexuality and sexuality are important.
- Free your mind. It’s a relationship, not marriage.
- If it works, happy married life.
